What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
I’m fondue you.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
You’re my pot of gold.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.