How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray