What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!