Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
"Yoda one for me."
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Octopus ocular optics.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
I love you a tot!
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
She has high elf-esteem.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
My weekend is fully booked.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
"No body won the skeleton race."
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.