“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Irish you were beer.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
You’re right up my alley.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.