What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.

What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.

Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.

If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.

Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.

What has four legs and one arm?

A rottweiler at a park.

I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!

Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.

My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"

If there's a will, there's a wave.

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!

What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.

I love you dairy much.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.

My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.

Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.

What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.

Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.

Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply

As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.

How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!

If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.

What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.

You’re the only rein-dear for me.

Namastay here or come home with me?

What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.

The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.

What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.

A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.

What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”