Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
You have been running through my mind all day.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting