What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan