My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.