So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
If trees could kill you, they wood.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
I Tour de Francy you.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.