“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Some bunny loves you.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Did you know you look good in short pants?
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.