Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Your phone is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had my name on your contact list.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
I read dead people.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.