I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.

Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?

How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.

Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?

They find them a drag.

If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.

What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.

What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!

How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.

What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.

You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

But I've heard good things.

As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.

What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.

When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.

What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!

Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus

Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.

Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.

“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous

Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!

“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown

How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

This vacation has been sand-sational!

Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"

Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.

What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!

I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown

What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx

Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.

Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.

My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.

Fishing you a happy day.

Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.

Time to spruce things up.