A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
I’m fondue you.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles