What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter

Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.

My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.

What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.

Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month.

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

Someone said you were looking for me.

"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.

Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."

Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"

Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."

What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.

Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature

You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.

Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!

Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.

What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.

All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.

Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.

I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.

The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot

I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.

Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!

- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.

What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun

My lobster's name is:
Claude

What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.

What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.

What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.

What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.

What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather

The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.

"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle