What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
You're one in a melon.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.