Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Girls just wanna have sun!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
I love you a tot!
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
I can turn your software into hardware.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!