“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.