Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
Live to tell the tail.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
My love for you simply radiates.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Sea you at the beach.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe