My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
"I make pour decisions."
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.