Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.

Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty

"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.

A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.

A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.

What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.

I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.

If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.

We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.

How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.

Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.

It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

I'm not gay but I'll learn.

A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.

Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.

Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.

Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?

Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.

You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.

Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!

"Just don't carrot all."

Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!

Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?

A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!

How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!

In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.

I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.

There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.

What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!