I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
You’re my pot of gold.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
You are pitcher perfect.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Have you botany plants lately?
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.