I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.