Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”