A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Ruby, or not Ruby…that may be one question, but mine is actually will you go out with me?
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Wanna churn butter with me?
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.