Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.