You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
I’ll never fir-get.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
Writers have great climaxes.