God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.