What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
The superconductor left without resistance.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
We're donion rings.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."