I think therefore I yam.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
I can turn your software into hardware.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.