Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.