Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.