I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
Nice beach balls, can I play?
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Lettuce go on a long drive.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.