What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Fairies just spell trouble.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
All clover the world.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
"Rosé all day."
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.