If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
You’re wine in a million.
You’re right up my alley.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter