Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What will you call a crazy spaceman? An astronaut.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.