Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
My fridge is hotter than you.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.