I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
I have a heart-on for you.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
I only have ice for you.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Seas the day.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
French people give me the crepes.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."