Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Talk literary to me.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
I’m fondue you.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.