"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Fishing you a happy day.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.