Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
Girls just wanna have sun!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.