Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.

Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck

What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?

A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.

Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.

Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.

Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.

What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.

Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?

Oedipal Arrangements.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan

What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!

What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!

How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.

My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.

What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.

What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.

My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.

My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”

I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?

Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!

Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.

Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.

My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.

"Have a hoppy Easter."

Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.

You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman

“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous

My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!