Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Yule be sorry.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!