What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
I know Benjamin Franklin.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.