Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Icy what you did there.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
"No wine left behind."
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.