Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
This is snow laughing matter!
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
We make a great pear
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.