"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
I wood never leaf you.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
I love when you coddle me.
I can heartly wait to see you.