Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!