As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Rebel without a Claus.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Readers do it by the book.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.