Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
By the seat of one’s punt
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?