Writers have great climaxes.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
It was mitten in the stars.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.