Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Yule be sorry.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.