I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
I Tour de Francy you.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Why did the penguin cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.